I know I know....I'm over the fires too!

My challenge this month was going to be practicing confidence when it comes to guys, business etc.  However, I was failing at it and something else came up!  Shucks!

A few years ago, I thought my world was going to change drastically when a doctor told me, because of an accident, I may live the rest of my life with a droopy smile.  At that moment, it felt like my life was being stripped away.  This weekend, I had that same feeling with the fires.

It was 4 PM and I looked out of the window at the house I was tutoring at and saw smoke. My sense of direction sucks but I knew the smoke I was seeing was not coming from Carlsbad.  Two minutes later, the girl I was tutoring told me someone was calling my phone.  Sure enough, it was my mom telling me a fire had started in San Marcos and that I couldn’t go home.  I called one of my roommates as she was hosing down my house and heard the panic in her voice.  She said she was leaving soon and asked if there was anything she could grab.  I couldn’t think of one thing! 

I knew she was gone but, hours later, my head kept running through items she could have grabbed.  But when I really stopped to think about it...there was nothing in my house that could not be replaced.  Yes, it would suck to lose everything but I had a peace about it.  In 2 Corinthians 4:8 God says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  After reassuring myself of that, I actually started to find humor in the situation.  Especially since I literally lived out of a Target bag for the next three days....three tank tops, a pair of black pants (such a blast in the heat), yoga pants and underwear were all I had!

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all peachy.  I am sure my parents were sick of me after that amount of time but I did try to stay positive!  By the end though, all I wanted was to be home, in my bed! 

You can say it’s easy to say all of this now that my house is fine but I do truly believe I would be ok.  I had amazing friends that showed nothing but support for me and I was safe with my family and dog.  I had all I needed. 

I don't need a book. Just give me country lyrics!

I just spent a girls weekend in Palm Springs and was able to reflect on a few things while being secluded from guys.  I loved my weekend away and I love that I have such strong women in my life who aren't afraid to tell me things I need to hear.  I don't know what I said but one friend made a comment, "you and your singleness!"  I know I am verbal about the fact that I would like a boyfriend but I have never put myself in the person's shoes that has to listen to me whine!  I think what I learned this weekend though will help me with my "singleness".

A few lessons learned this month.

I LOVE country music! It’s sappy, the instruments are beautiful, the deep, husky voice are amazing (yes, I know those who disagree) and it’s sappy...did I mention that already?  Now, I know I am weird because I don’t want anyone actually saying those things to me but I wouldn’t mind having someone think of me when they hear those lyrics...confused yet?

I love the Love and Theft song, “If You Ever Get Lonely”.  It’s such a heart-wrenching song but I love the passion behind it.  My favorite stanza is

But I keep listenin'
'Cause I never had a choice when it came to you

I don’t ever want someone to have a love for me that I can’t return but I love that it’s an all-in kind of love.  While I could put myself in his shoes and say, “Dang, why doesn’t so-and-so reciprocate my love?” I flip it and I imagine God singing it to me.  The song means so much more that way.  “Cause I never had a choice when it came to you,”...that line knocks me flat.  God has such an unfathomable love for me.  I don’t have children but I know that the moment I held my nephews or met my niece for the first time, I was in love.  It wasn’t even a fair fight because there is no bone in my body that doesn’t love them.  That is the same way with God.  I am HIS creation.  Every one of my genes was hand made by him.  How could he have any other choice than to love me with everything he has?

Because I interpret the previous verse that way, the chorus hits me hard

But if you ever get lonely
And you miss me
If you need someone to listen
Even if it's only 
The sound of someone's voice who loves you
That you need to hear
You know where to find me 
If you ever get lonely 

I can be so selfish with my time and go days without giving God any of it.  While he waits there patiently, he is constantly calling out to me, asking me to give him even the tiniest bit of my attention.  And even when I do, I am still being selfish because it’s a one sided conversation.  I go to him with all of the things I am upset about or with ideas of how my life could be better.  Even after all of this, he still wants me to call on him because all he wants is time with me.  Eventually, my selfishness turns to thanks and praise because he does listen and provides me with what I need.  He is so good!

Another lesson I have learned this month is that I am not a fighter...when it comes to guys.  I will not fight for a guy...1) because if the guy I am interested in wants to go for the other girl, I don’t want him anyway!  and 2) I am worth fighting for.  I am old school.  I want to be pursued and I think I am worthy of pursuing.  God has pursued my heart so why shouldn’t a guy do the same?

Jeremiah 31:3

Before this month started, I stopped seeing a guy who I was really starting to like.  We didn't know each other for that long but we had a connection that doesn't come around often.  The problem though, was that he is not a Christian and refused to go to church.  I respect that and understand that church is not for everyone but ultimately, I am looking for a guy that wants to share that passion with me.  After some discussion, we decided it was best to cut ties.  It hurt but I was excited to go into the month without any distractions.  I was going to read the book my friend and I are studying together and was ready to put God first, pushing guys out of my mind....right....like that was going to last long!

Already, I have seen how Satan is at work and the sad part is, he is winning.  He has me totally distracted with the guys he is placing in my life.  However, I am completely aware and awakened to his schemes.  Why waste my time on relationships that, if I was honest, I know are not going to pan out?  I know who I am in the Lord and I know that God has the best in mind for me so I will no longer give the enemy that chance to swoop in and make me feel unworthy and vulnerable.

The book we are reading is written for girls way younger than me but it has some good points here and there.  As I continue to read it, I will approach it with a new heart.  I have high expectations of the guy I know I deserve but I also need to become the person he deserves as well.  This transformation is going to take sacrifice and it's going to mean denying my fleshly desires but when I think about what I will gain in the process, it trumps everything I am giving up!

If someone told you one day, "I have loved you, with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself," you would think that was pretty romantic right?  Who doesn't want someone to love them with an "everlasting" and "unfailing" love?  This is what God promises us in Jeremiah 31:3 and this is going to be the verse I meditate on the rest of this month.  This is the love I want to experience and I can by drawing closer to him.  With a love that intense, I can be certain that He only wants what is best for me and I am trusting in that.

Last Month...Oops!

So last month I didn't even post!  My challenge was to get bikini ready....reality was, I started stress eating instead!  I did run a total of three times and do a 10 minutes workout video to forward my progress!  Lame!  But I am going to step it up....bikini shopping was HORRIBLE the other day at Target.

As for this month, my friend and I have made a pact to give up dating for the month!  She is a little skeptical at my commitment and we have talked about modifications for me.  The point of all of this is to become more focused and dependent on God.  So even if modifications need to be made, my goal for this month is to make God my number one priority.  He knows what is best for me so I just have to be prayerful and trust in that!

New Discovery: I don't like blogging! Uh oh!

So I realized this month that I hate blogging!  I promised people I would write more than once a month but have not done so in the previous months and obviously have not done so this month.... however, I do have a challenge this month.  Well I did and I already accomplished it!

I moved out of my parents’ house!  While I love them to death and am so grateful for being able to live there as long as I did, it was time to move out.  For those of you that didn’t know, I turned 28 this month and thought it was due time to get out on my own.

I moved in with my friend, Michelle.  We met in my San Marcos kickball league!  Our third roommate is super nice and I am excited to get to know her and Michelle, more.

While still at my parents’ house, I had bought three frames that I knew I was going to put over my bed.  I never hung them because it was my way of declaring, I was going to be moving out soon.  They are now hanging above my bed and they look better than I could imagine...especially on the gray and white striped wall my dad and brother-in-law painted!

I put my Italy pictures in the frames!

Something else that I had never done in my room at my parents’ was put pictures around the room.  That one was never intentional; I just didn’t have any updated pics.  I made ordering pictures one of the first items on my list for my new room.  I just finished my wall tonight and LOVE it!  I have a few shelves I need to hang up as well and once those are in, my room will be complete!  I can’t wait. 

The loves in my life!

Like I said, I loved living with my parents and I do miss them, probably more than they even know, but I feel like this was the step I needed to make.  I feel like a lot of changes are coming my way and this was the spark that started it all!

Since it was my birthday this month also, I will give a little blurb on that as well.

The night before my actual birthday, my mom and dad took my out to dinner!  On the day of, my students made the day special by singing to me.  After tutoring, : P, my friend Karen treated me to dinner!  Even though she literally had a day to recoup between trips, she came to spend her evening with me! After dinner, I had Growth Group.  This is a new group and I only really know a few of the girls from the semester before.  I knew they were going to do something but it meant a lot when I received cards and got to "blow out" candles.  I say that in quotes because I didn't actually blow them out...unfortunately, I was sick and I didn't want to get everyone else sick.  However, I wouldn't have minded have the cream puff cake all to myself!

Later that weekend, I got to celebrate with sushi.  I was so blessed by everyone who came!  I felt so loved on my birthday which made turning 28 not so bad!

Update on every other challenge:

I have run ONCE since my half...way to go me.  Apparently I need to sign up for another one!

I have not studied Vietnamese but I really do want to start again.

And shocker...I haven’t practiced my photography either but I can’t keep my nice, fancy camera in the corner can I?

The Big Day Is Done And Over!

Two days after race day and I am actually feeling good!  I can't say I felt so hot during or for the few hours following though. 

Let me take you through race day. 

5:45- I woke up feeling anxious as ever but excited! 

7:00- Got to the mall and suddenly felt very unprepared.  People had their running belts and hats on....some even had space blankets!  I was in my school shirt and yoga pants!

7:30- Took pre-race pictures with friends to show I was actually there

7:45- The race started but because I was in wave 6, I waited!

8 something,- My wave was allowed to start

And now we take it to miles because with uncoordinated people like me, I can’t run and check my watch clock at the same time!

Miles 1-4 were awful.  I saw some workers and got pumped for all of 5 seconds until I turned the corner.  When I saw Mile 4 I could have cried, thinking I had more than 2/3 of the race left to go.  That was also when my Pandora stopped working!

Miles 5-8 were a blur which was nice PLUS I got my Pandora to work again!  This was way better than Option B (listening to the 6 songs I have on my iPhone on repeat)  Yay!

Miles 9-10 I could see the finish line but my knees had a different agenda.  They were dead set on keeping me from the finish line.

Miles 11-13- I saw my coworkers once more which did give me more energy because I could celebrate with them that I was almost done.  At this point I was on the verge of tears because my left knee hurt so bad!

Mile 13.1 I ran through the finish line at 2 hours 38 minutes.  The first thought in my head was, “Nope, I did better than that,” and then, “Yes!  I did better than that!”  (The clock tracks the time of the first wave and I was in wave 6).  My official time...2 hours 18 minutes, average time per mile 10:35.  I will take it for my first half!

The time after I finished was all a blur!  I met up with a friend, took pictures to show I actually survived and went home!

From there, I wish I could say I felt good, relaxed a little bit and had a productive rest of my day but I would be lying.  Instead, I was sick for the next 5 hours after and had to take a 2 hour nap!  After I recouped, I was able to eat and get out a bit before I returned home to get a very restful sleep!

Would I change anything about this experience?  My answer would definitely be, yes!  I would train harder so my body would actually know what it felt like to run past 6 miles.  (Definitely the explanation for my knees hurting).  I would also like to get on a better nutrition plan (and hopefully not feel so sick later)!  But after all of the heck I put my body through, I wouldn’t take back this experience for anything. I had a blast and can’t wait to start training for another half marathon!

P.S. If you were out there cheering the runners on, I want to say a huge, THANK YOU! I didn’t think someone’s cheering or sign would be able to make such a difference but they definitely made me laugh along the way.  Some are inappropriate but here are a few

-“Go random stranger!”

-“Run now, poop later.”

-“Smile if you’re not wearing underwear!”

Slacker

So I completely slacked last month and have not started off this month in good fashion either.

Last month was an encouraging month with our sermon series at church.  It's sometimes tough to live out a Christian life while people around you live differently.  However, our "One Thing" series reassured me that I am living this way for a reason.  I am called to be different and I know people notice.  While at times it does make me feel like an outcast, people talk about about how I live and that says something!

This month my challenge was to run a half marathon and I haven't wanted to write because my training has NOT been what I was hoping.  I have plenty of excuses as to why I haven't been running but when it comes down to it, my motivation just wasn't there.  But I am still running it?  Guess I can't back out now since it's this Sunday.  The next time I write will be after the run...if I survive.

Past month challenges...I have picked up a camera again and went out to Discovery Lake for an hour shoot.  I had a great time!  Here are some pics!