Philippians 4:6

Soooo this has been a rough two months and this blog is combining both months together.  I wasn’t able to blog last month because I didn’t want to raise alarm with coworkers or family until I had made an ultimate decision.

Last month, I had an interview for a full time teaching position.  I had gone over to my parents’ house to prepare when I had a freak out moment.  I literally sobbed for what seemed like hours.  There was something inside of me that was not passionate about it.  However, I had a grown up moment and decided that I needed to interview….1) for the experience and 2) because my principal, whom I respect greatly, had put my name in the pool of people to be interviewed.  I HAD to do the interview.  I didn’t end up getting a job offer, which I what I went in expecting so I wasn’t defeated.  I wasn’t going to be a full time teacher but I still had my math position.

This month, however, as school got closer, I wasn’t feeling at peace with taking the math position.  It’s not that anything went wrong last year.  Please don’t take it that way.  This decision was so difficult for me because my principal and coworkers have been nothing but supportive.   Unfortunately I ran out of time and today, I made the choice to take a step back.  Again, my principal was more than supportive about my choice.  In addition to taking a step back this month, I also made the decision to go back to school.  Starting next Monday, I will be taking classes two nights a week for accounting.  

Like I said at the beginning of this blog, these past two months have been rough.  There have many tears and fights and doubts.  I have contemplated and prayed and finally surrendered everything over to God.  I asked him to give me a peace about leaving my job and he has.  That doesn’t mean my stomach isn’t turning and thoughts of, “Are you stupid?” aren’t running through my mind but I have to have faith that God will be my provision.  Philipians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."  He knows where my heart has been and is now.  I am sure a job is not going to fall in my lap and it may not be my dream job, but I am trusting in His timing and promise.

And that is where you come in!  I need a job!  I know there was the option of moving back in with my parents….they have been clear about that…but I would obviously love to stay where I am at.  If there are any jobs you can refer me to, that would be awesome!  I am searching on my own but these days, it’s all about who you know.  I know that at least a few people read my blog so I am reaching out to you and asking for your connections.  If you don’t have any, then I am asking for your prayers.  

I will keep you all updated on the new adventures of life.  I am sure I will have to do some venting when school starts.  I can’t believe that after six years, I am going back to school.  Books have been bought and I have found my classroom.  All that’s left is getting the first day jitters over and done with!  Here’s to the next few months and the next two years (for the accounting program)!

Let's Keep In Touch

I haven’t written in a long time....as I said, I am bad at this!  A few updates on how my challenges have been going.

Last month, my challenge was to be content with what I have.  I never wrote about it but we had a sermon on what we can take with us.  Our pastors have said this on multiple occasions but it is always a great reminder....”Our value comes from whose we are, not what we have.”  Another point that was brought up was that we are to act like the manager, not the owner.  We are responsible for our lives but our lives are not our own if we are a follower of Christ.

The sermon ended with a video of a family who lost their house in the fire.  It took all I had not to cry!  The husband thought he had lost both of his children because the fire came right up to the school.  When trying to get to his son, the heat of the fire burnt the hair off of his back.  Luckily he and his family were ok but their house did burn down.  The church was so supportive that they had to ask people to stop giving them gift cards.  How amazing God was in that situation!

This month, my challenge is to keep in touch with friends.  I am NOT the best with keeping in touch with people but I have so many friends outside of the state and country that I miss to death and I have no clue what is going on in their lives.  I haven’t had much success but I have definitely tried!  If you don’t hear from me during this month, don’t worry, I am trying to reach out to all of you! 

As far as the non-dating/dating scene goes...well not much to report there. 

As for learning Vietnamese...hasn’t been going well either.  I might have incentive though because one of my best friends, Duy, is getting married in December.  If he plans to get married in late December, when I have my winter break, I might just be able to go!

Oh...running is going well though!  Kind of...but I am doing a cowboy run this weekend with one of my coworkers.  I even get a free cowboy hat! 

Let's Keep In Touch

I haven’t written in a long time....as I said, I am bad at this!  A few updates on how my challenges have been going.

Last month, my challenge was to be content with what I have.  I never wrote about it but we had a sermon on what we can take with us.  Our pastors have said this on multiple occasions but it is always a great reminder....”Our value comes from whose we are, not what we have.”  Another point that was brought up was that we are to act like the manager, not the owner.  We are responsible for our lives but our lives are not our own if we are a follower of Christ.

The sermon ended with a video of a family who lost their house in the fire.  It took all I had not to cry!  The husband thought he had lost both of his children because the fire came right up to the school.  When trying to get to his son, the heat of the fire burnt the hair off of his back.  Luckily he and his family were ok but their house did burn down.  The church was so supportive that they had to ask people to stop giving them gift cards.  How amazing God was in that situation!

This month, my challenge is to keep in touch with friends.  I am NOT the best with keeping in touch with people but I have so many friends outside of the state and country that I miss to death and I have no clue what is going on in their lives.  I haven’t had much success but I have definitely tried!  If you don’t hear from me during this month, don’t worry, I am trying to reach out to all of you! 

As far as the non-dating/dating scene goes...well not much to report there. 

As for learning Vietnamese...hasn’t been going well either.  I might have incentive though because one of my best friends, Duy, is getting married in December.  If he plans to get married in late December, when I have my winter break, I might just be able to go!

Oh...running is going well though!  Kind of...but I am doing a cowboy run this weekend with one of my coworkers.  I even get a free cowboy hat! 

I know I know....I'm over the fires too!

My challenge this month was going to be practicing confidence when it comes to guys, business etc.  However, I was failing at it and something else came up!  Shucks!

A few years ago, I thought my world was going to change drastically when a doctor told me, because of an accident, I may live the rest of my life with a droopy smile.  At that moment, it felt like my life was being stripped away.  This weekend, I had that same feeling with the fires.

It was 4 PM and I looked out of the window at the house I was tutoring at and saw smoke. My sense of direction sucks but I knew the smoke I was seeing was not coming from Carlsbad.  Two minutes later, the girl I was tutoring told me someone was calling my phone.  Sure enough, it was my mom telling me a fire had started in San Marcos and that I couldn’t go home.  I called one of my roommates as she was hosing down my house and heard the panic in her voice.  She said she was leaving soon and asked if there was anything she could grab.  I couldn’t think of one thing! 

I knew she was gone but, hours later, my head kept running through items she could have grabbed.  But when I really stopped to think about it...there was nothing in my house that could not be replaced.  Yes, it would suck to lose everything but I had a peace about it.  In 2 Corinthians 4:8 God says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  After reassuring myself of that, I actually started to find humor in the situation.  Especially since I literally lived out of a Target bag for the next three days....three tank tops, a pair of black pants (such a blast in the heat), yoga pants and underwear were all I had!

Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all peachy.  I am sure my parents were sick of me after that amount of time but I did try to stay positive!  By the end though, all I wanted was to be home, in my bed! 

You can say it’s easy to say all of this now that my house is fine but I do truly believe I would be ok.  I had amazing friends that showed nothing but support for me and I was safe with my family and dog.  I had all I needed. 

I don't need a book. Just give me country lyrics!

I just spent a girls weekend in Palm Springs and was able to reflect on a few things while being secluded from guys.  I loved my weekend away and I love that I have such strong women in my life who aren't afraid to tell me things I need to hear.  I don't know what I said but one friend made a comment, "you and your singleness!"  I know I am verbal about the fact that I would like a boyfriend but I have never put myself in the person's shoes that has to listen to me whine!  I think what I learned this weekend though will help me with my "singleness".

A few lessons learned this month.

I LOVE country music! It’s sappy, the instruments are beautiful, the deep, husky voice are amazing (yes, I know those who disagree) and it’s sappy...did I mention that already?  Now, I know I am weird because I don’t want anyone actually saying those things to me but I wouldn’t mind having someone think of me when they hear those lyrics...confused yet?

I love the Love and Theft song, “If You Ever Get Lonely”.  It’s such a heart-wrenching song but I love the passion behind it.  My favorite stanza is

But I keep listenin'
'Cause I never had a choice when it came to you

I don’t ever want someone to have a love for me that I can’t return but I love that it’s an all-in kind of love.  While I could put myself in his shoes and say, “Dang, why doesn’t so-and-so reciprocate my love?” I flip it and I imagine God singing it to me.  The song means so much more that way.  “Cause I never had a choice when it came to you,”...that line knocks me flat.  God has such an unfathomable love for me.  I don’t have children but I know that the moment I held my nephews or met my niece for the first time, I was in love.  It wasn’t even a fair fight because there is no bone in my body that doesn’t love them.  That is the same way with God.  I am HIS creation.  Every one of my genes was hand made by him.  How could he have any other choice than to love me with everything he has?

Because I interpret the previous verse that way, the chorus hits me hard

But if you ever get lonely
And you miss me
If you need someone to listen
Even if it's only 
The sound of someone's voice who loves you
That you need to hear
You know where to find me 
If you ever get lonely 

I can be so selfish with my time and go days without giving God any of it.  While he waits there patiently, he is constantly calling out to me, asking me to give him even the tiniest bit of my attention.  And even when I do, I am still being selfish because it’s a one sided conversation.  I go to him with all of the things I am upset about or with ideas of how my life could be better.  Even after all of this, he still wants me to call on him because all he wants is time with me.  Eventually, my selfishness turns to thanks and praise because he does listen and provides me with what I need.  He is so good!

Another lesson I have learned this month is that I am not a fighter...when it comes to guys.  I will not fight for a guy...1) because if the guy I am interested in wants to go for the other girl, I don’t want him anyway!  and 2) I am worth fighting for.  I am old school.  I want to be pursued and I think I am worthy of pursuing.  God has pursued my heart so why shouldn’t a guy do the same?

Jeremiah 31:3

Before this month started, I stopped seeing a guy who I was really starting to like.  We didn't know each other for that long but we had a connection that doesn't come around often.  The problem though, was that he is not a Christian and refused to go to church.  I respect that and understand that church is not for everyone but ultimately, I am looking for a guy that wants to share that passion with me.  After some discussion, we decided it was best to cut ties.  It hurt but I was excited to go into the month without any distractions.  I was going to read the book my friend and I are studying together and was ready to put God first, pushing guys out of my mind....right....like that was going to last long!

Already, I have seen how Satan is at work and the sad part is, he is winning.  He has me totally distracted with the guys he is placing in my life.  However, I am completely aware and awakened to his schemes.  Why waste my time on relationships that, if I was honest, I know are not going to pan out?  I know who I am in the Lord and I know that God has the best in mind for me so I will no longer give the enemy that chance to swoop in and make me feel unworthy and vulnerable.

The book we are reading is written for girls way younger than me but it has some good points here and there.  As I continue to read it, I will approach it with a new heart.  I have high expectations of the guy I know I deserve but I also need to become the person he deserves as well.  This transformation is going to take sacrifice and it's going to mean denying my fleshly desires but when I think about what I will gain in the process, it trumps everything I am giving up!

If someone told you one day, "I have loved you, with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself," you would think that was pretty romantic right?  Who doesn't want someone to love them with an "everlasting" and "unfailing" love?  This is what God promises us in Jeremiah 31:3 and this is going to be the verse I meditate on the rest of this month.  This is the love I want to experience and I can by drawing closer to him.  With a love that intense, I can be certain that He only wants what is best for me and I am trusting in that.